Peace be with you......

I normally would stay away from writing things of a more personal nature on our blog but with that being said I also feel it is so important to write down the events in my life that make me a more thankful person.
A small disclaimer to those of you who frown at the thought of being sappy or just plain don't like sentimental things you should probably skip this entry and wait for the next dancing video of Braden or the next crazy thing Jake comes up with! (Assuming that there are people who read our blog:)!

This week our little Jesse was supposed to come into the world, we all know that he made his debut months to early. In my mind I thought that this would be a week that I would feel sorry for myself wanting to dig a big pit of despair and put myself in it. I would like to report that I am pleasantly surprised at the overwhelming peace I feel. My mind has frequently thought of what could have been this week but at the same time an indescribable feeling of "I am ok" is very prevalent. This leads me to the thankful part....I truly believe that a loving Heavenly Father knows what we need and gives us blessings of comfort and peace during some of our hardest trials.

At Jesse's graveside service I wrote down some thoughts from the feelings Rand and I were experiencing at the time. I feel like sharing a few of the paragraphs because for me it is a testimony of what I believe.

Life is anticipation, sometimes we think we know what the end result will be just to have everything change in the blink of an eye. Life presents happiness, sorrow, trials and exceptional joy, it is in dealing with each of these emotions and circumstances that our lives our shaped and molded. This is how Jesse has taken part in molding ours….

Because little Jesse lived only for a few short days we were not able to experience and learn of his personality, we did not hear his laugh or help him take his first step we did not have the opportunity to create memories with him that we could now stop to remember. We only had dreams of how he would be a part of our lives how he would join his two brothers in bringing laughter, noise and happiness into our home. Rand dreamed of a perfect foursome for golf and Shemri dreamed of three boys around the table joking and planning for futures. Change is what is consistent and now as our dreams have been altered for our little boy we change our thoughts to a more eternal perspective. Our little Jesse is a part of our family, Rand and I have the promise that we will be able to raise our little son conditional to our lives now here on this earth. The gospel has afforded us not only the hope of a reunion with our son but knowledge that we are an eternal family and we will be together again one day.

Rand and I have been on an exceptional crazy journey as we have tried to bring children into this world and in doing so have learned that children are truly a gift from our Heavenly Father. Although the pitter patter of little feet is something we longed to hear, the pitter patter of a tear falling now may seem louder. Instead of the laughter and joy we felt as we learned about the coming of Jesse to our family these feelings might be overshadowed from the grief we now feel at the loss of him. Though times seem so sad now, we know that time is the answer.

It is such a blessing to read about the sadness I felt just a few short months ago and reflect on the calm feeling I now feel. I truly know that time is the answer but more importantly I am just thankful for the peace I have while I endure the time.