I am not one to normally voice my complaints on a blog for the whole world to read but not a lot of people read this anyway and this this week I am proud to complain. Why, because sometimes rough weeks make you learn stuff. This is my journal and in order to share the things I've learned I must complain, if only a little bit!
I am not sure if my husband truly appreciates the "me" this week.
Looking back at my week of angry shame, I really can't pin point what triggered it. It could have started with the fact that I have had a nagging cold since the middle of July that has now turned into a raging sinus infection. (I have antibiotics now and I can see the light at the end of the "sinus" tunnel). The trigger may have been due to the fact that my darling little two year old has decided that she will never nap again and my rambunctious boys have decided that they will only communicate with each other physically. Verbal communication is limited only to a few chosen tones like; yelling, teasing, whining or crying. It could be because it's like 550 degrees every day here and I feel trapped like others do in winter (but as my mom pointed out that in winter you send your kids to school - gee thanks mom). Perhaps my craziness stemmed from Layla deciding that biting anyone that was smaller then her was a good idea and if that didn't make them cry she could just give them a nice slap to the face. There was the splash park incident where her weapon of choice was a golf ball to the face of a darling little blonde 3 yr old. (I must say the time out for this is not working, she simply sits on the bench singing and telling me that she is a good girl). I know it felt rough when I spent 2 hrs folding 8 loads of laundry and Braden and Layla thought it was more fun to launch all the piles of laundry everywhere. I also loved the fact that Rand got called in right before Sacrament meeting on Sunday and Layla and Braden both decided to run away from me after the service had started. I don't even know that the trigger was a 9 yr old going on 16 who decided practicing the piano, cleaning his room, or doing chores were , "just really not his thing"!
WHINE, WHINE, WHINE! I know what you are thinking because I am thinking the same thing, get over it! I know this is just life and sometimes these exact same things in the past have seemed funny to me and I journal about the cuteness and stubbornness of my children. But this week it wasn't in me to feel that any of it was very funny. I specifically remember sending Rand a text sometime mid week explaining to him that I was a Wolf and Wolf mommies usually end up abandoning their pups. He assured me that I was not a ravenous wolf and I was not to abandon the pups at anytime.
I am an intelligent person and I know that this is the life I chose, this is the life I prayed for endlessly and I am living the dream I always wanted. I remember crying to Rand and telling him all I wanted is a house full of noise. Well, be careful what you pray for because I have been blessed 1000 times over with noise!
Ok, here is the reason I had a rough week (maybe it was cause we were actually home for a week)!
No - the reason I had a crazy week was so that I could learn these lessons!
1. Rand will always be the 1st person I talk to and will always be my best friend.... however, even though I lean on him all the time....there comes a time when my talking in circles over and over on the same subject might get to him. He is a man after all, and that is a long time to concentrate on a subject that makes no sense or can't be problem solved quickly. I used to think that women who needed best friends were discounting their husbands, but I now realize that women who have best friends are giving their husbands a chance to breathe! My husband, although he would never admit it probably finds relief when someone else has to listen to his crazy devil woman (whom he loves with all his heart).
2. Best Friends - I have had many over the years and the way in which I know if they truly fall into the "best" category is if I haven't talked to them for half a year and I can still just call without an excuse. This week in order to bury my frustrations I turned on one of my all time favorite shows (Anne of Green Gables) this made me think of one particular best friend who lives way far away in West Virginia. I have spent many hours watching this show with her quoting it line for line. So with her in mind and no real reason (not planning on venting) I picked up the phone and called. In minutes I was feeling better, she reminded me , "that tomorrow was a new day without any mistakes in it" (thank you Anne with an "e"). We talked and laughed and although I had to end the conversation early because the BMan had taken the hose to wash the windows that Jake had just Windexed and Layla launched a magnify glass over into the neighbors yard, I got a minute to chat and it was just what I needed.
3. This next lesson comes in the form of fellow moms! I ran into a mom the other day in McDonald's (yes I feed my kids this awful food). This was not a mom that I usually even see or talk to but admire her greatly. As we were trying to gather up our crazy children she said to me a statement that has stuck with me all week. She said, "I have to remember to pray sometimes to love my blessings"). I laughed really loud and not lady like but as I drove home I sensed the reality of that statement. Along with blessings come new trials and for me the trial is not my kids. The trial is how I react in situations. The trial is overcoming my own weaknesses and doing better. I read lots of books on mothering and I wonder how they can all be so darn pleasant all the time. But then I realize that none of those women ever wrote a book in the middle of "little kid chaos". Their kids are out of the home and the are remembering with "rose colored glasses"!
4. Short term memory is way better than long term. Don't hold grudges from one day to the next, forget that yesterday ever happened and today is perfect. My kids are not so bad every day and I am not a failure as a mother every day! In fact just today we had a perfect 30 minutes or so! Not too bad for an ammature mother like me.
5. Hopefully my gorgeous little kiddos are resilient and I haven't scarred them for life cause I sure do love them, (at least every other minute).
6 comments:
I have thought a lot about our conversation last night too. No one talks about this part of motherhood. There is no acknowledgement and it is sometimes drudgery to do the same things over and over just to do them again in 10 minutes. Add to that the shame and guilt because you feel this way, and no one else seems to feel this way, and it gets a little messy sometimes. But know that I'm feeling it and ready to shout it from the rooftops but I don't think anyone will listen and I won't be able to finish because my kids will treat it like I'm on the phone.
I think it's the sort of thing you can only admit to friends who've been there through some serious stuff. I won't be talking about it with a the moms at the park. I'm too busy "showing" them I have it all together. Let's talk again soon.
I really appreciated this post. And Riss' comment. It's nice to hear that things are not always "together" for even the most put together moms. Thank you for your honesty. And here's to a much better week ahead. You certainly deserve it.
I adore you, Shem!
Jason reads this with me and says, "sounds like Shem and I have a lot in common." You are a great mom, I go a little crazy myself sometimes. My kidos had quite the mean mother Monday when I was trying to get everything together to get to Richfield on time to get Jason. Hope all goes a little better this week. If not send them to my house (we'll be back Saturday) for some reason it really easy to be patient with, love and adore your super cute nephews and nieces, no matter what they do.
I miss our lunch dates to McDonald's. I love reading this post because I have been feeling the same way! It's been a rough week here as well. My two year old has decided that making his little sister cry is the highlight to his day. I can't find any type of discipline that seems to work. Sometimes, motherhood is just frustrating. And, yes, it is ok to enjoy an outing to McDonald's its really the only thing you can do in the 550 degree heat. :)
We really are all just doing our best! If you haven't already seen this, check it out: http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/mormon-messages?lang=eng&id=2010-06-13-motherhood-an-eternal-partnership-with-god#2010-06-13-motherhood-an-eternal-partnership-with-god
I miss you Shemri!
I don't know anyone who would say get over it. I think most of us are nodding our heads in absolute sympathy. We've all been there, and know exactly what you're talking about. And for most of us, it's a huge relief to know we're not the only ones. :)
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